Dan Lyons Records

Here are my strange jokes that seem to have a life of their own. Some were made while drunk.

"I like my women like I like my coffee. Hot, black, fresh, sugar, and ready for the cream"
(In actuality, I have no fetish for women of any particular ethnicity)

(of black women) "They hunt white boy in pairs, man."
(In actuality, they seem to chase white males in groups of 2-4... but not always. I don't know why.)

"I'm the king. You can build statues of me all day long. Then you'll have jobs."
(I think I said that when I was 15.. It seemed humorous at the time. It was based off Monty Python's Holy Grail shtick. I didn't think it was THAT funny, btw... but it sure caught on. Yo no soy mareno?)

"The South can secceed now."
"Don't go away mad south, just go away."
(It seemed humorous, until the governor of Texas went along with it.... I was just kidding. btw, the website "fuckthesouth.com" is rather humorous in a similar vein)

Miles Davis is alleged to have said "I don't like watching white people on TV, particularly while having sex, or pretending to.".
So I said, "I'll never have sex atop his TV again."
(In actuality, I'm not fond of Miles Davis)

(when I was kayaking) "Know how to go kayak fishing? Use a spear gun. Aim just below the helmet."

"Ask me what's inside of me... what's deep inside of me!"
"NO!"
"Blood. And guts. And black stuff."
The Simpsons blatantly ripped that one off from me. That was 100% original. Oh well.

(of "jive", "AAVE", or "ebonics") "I be, he be, we be, she be".... afterwards, some started calling me "hebie" , short for "hebrew". Ok, there, weebeesheebee.

My contrsibution to "jive" or "ebonics": "ain't got none no"

(said to black friend at the La Brea tarpits) "The sign CLEARLY said NO SWIMMING."

"Crossbreed history quarter begins in January. We'll have Oreo Appreciation Fortnight. By decree of the king." (again.. this was a joke. Someone decided to shorten the Fortnight into "Oreo Night", which I find quite under-representative).

"Romeo and Juliet: Boy meets girl, everybody dies.", It seems this joke was altered and in a mainstream movie... rather odd.

"We're all from African America." (or Native America).
(Let's just pretend I didn't say that one, ok?)

My original responses to "Foah Shizzelle maw nizzelle" (apparently, an expression meaning "Before she'z ill, my friend named Nigel"):
"For caesar, me neezhar".
"For fried onions, my nigerians".
"Foh pasta me masta".

(on Fermat's last theorem):
Oh, Fermat was right all along.
It goes like this:
Well, look you little beechboys,
Oh, you know it's true,
I've got your eyes...
I've got your brains...
I've got your fingers...
Oh, go do something fun instead.
NOW who's the GENUS.
(For the record, I had some subset proof... some primes p..)